It's just goodbye
by evi021
Summary: The events of the fateful Christmas night ep. 35 from Lisa's point of view. Companion fic to And then he knew.


**IT'S JUST GOODBYE**

_By Evi_

**o O o**

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_.: Dedicated to my good friends Sara and Mau on their XVIII Anniversary :._

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**Author's note: **This story is a companion piece to _"And then she knew" _and _"And then he knew"._ It's about that fateful Christmas night, but now from Lisa's point of view. I want to thank Sphersian for her encouragment and her motivation to do this. Thank you, my dear friend!

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As much as she tried to avoid it, a rebel tear escaped the corner of her eye and ran down her cheek slowly. She couldn't help it; she felt she couldn't hold those feelings anymore. Those feelings that were asphyxiating her, killing her slowly. In the back of her head she could hear a voice telling her she had done enough. No one was going to judge if she decided to quit now… no one could stop her if she decided to go away… as a matter of fact, no one would stop her if she decided to run away. What did it matter anyway?

She was tired, hurt, disappointed… she felt the world collapsing around her and a sensation of imminent destruction she hadn't felt not even two years ago, when Earth had been devastated. Now it was her own personal world the one which was falling apart. The world she had built around Captain Rick Hunter.

_"LISA!"_

As if summoned by her thoughts, she heard his voice calling her from the distance but she didn't stop. It was probably her imagination, because in her dreams he would always come after her; but reality was very different.

_"LISA STOP!"_

His voice sounded closer and she closed her eyes and forced herself to continue on her tracks. She couldn't surrender to her own fantasies. She couldn't pretend Rick was coming after her… he wouldn't!

But the hand that grabbed her wrist felt very real.

"Lisa, I'm calling you, damn it!"

She heard him speaking right behind her and immediately his hand released her. She had stopped but she couldn't find the courage to turn around, to see him in the eye and confront him about what had happened that day… much less about what had happened the night before.

"What's wrong with you, Lisa?" Rick almost yelled. "Lisa, I'm talking to you! The least you can do is look at me!"

She tried to gather all the strength she had left in her body and in her heart and she did what he asked her to do. When she turned around and looked at him, he stepped back and for a moment Lisa could see something in his eyes… something she didn't like. She saw anger… but for a brief moment she could see a pitiful look in those blue eyes she loved so much. And it only hurt her even more.

For a moment that seemed an eternity, they couldn't break the eye contact. Rick was mad at her, she could tell… but the only thing she could think of was the conversation she had with Claudia the day before.

"_You should really go and see him Lisa… you should've seen him when he spoke to me. I think he's sincerely sorry about what happened and he really wants to mend things with you. I know the boy can be a little dense, but Roy always said he was a nice kid… maybe you should give him a chance."_

"_A chance? Claudia, do you know how many chances I've given him already?"_

"_I know… and because you haven't given up on him despite of all what's happened between you, that's why I suggest you to give him one last chance… you can't quit now! Just… go and see him, listen to what he has to say… and then you can decide. It's all up to you, honey."_

Lisa wasn't very convinced, but she decided to go to his house, not because she was particularly interested in seeing him, but because it was a courtesy she owned to Claudia. But secretly she had hoped… it was Christmas Eve after all and she remembered very well the beautiful night she had spent with Rick the year before, and how he had suggested they should do that every year… maybe if she showed up in his door…? Could it be he would be waiting for her, to apologize and to let her know –finally – how much she meant to him and how much he cared… how much he loved her?

"I talked to Vanessa."

Rick's voice brought her back from her thoughts. The way he pronounced those words hurt her deeply. His voice was full of anger and resent… she knew at that point, after what had happened that day, he would hate her. But she never expected to see that look in his eyes… or to hear that tone of voice.

"She told me you said I was sick in bed… that was a lie, Lisa! I should've been notified at the very fist order to scramble!"

Lisa lowered his eyes, unable to hold his gaze anymore. She tried her best to control the tears that were gathering in her eyes. Her throat tightened and she felt her body shaking a little, as she was trying to compose herself.

"You should be more discrete when you have people coming over." She heard herself speaking, but her own voice seemed to come from afar. "Last night I came by and your door was open… I know all about Minmai."

She looked at him and could see the expression in his face change from anger to something else… shame, perhaps? She couldn't bear to look at him anymore… to see how handsome he was… how beautiful his eyes were… no, he wasn't hers. He never was… he never would. Lisa looked away and again tried to take a hold of herself, unable to avoid the tears that were filling his eyes, blurring the lights of the city reflected on Lake Gloval.

"Lisa…" Rick's voice was barely a whisper now. "If you only would listen to me—"

"What for, Rick?" Lisa's voice almost broke. "I guess everything is very clear now… you shouldn't keep her waiting. It's Christmas night after all."

As soon as she spoke those words, the SDF1 was beautifully illuminated by all the Christmas lights that Admiral Gloval had ordered to set up that year. It was a lovely sight, but for Lisa it only made her heart ache even more… so much pain, destruction and frustration around her… and that night, a night that was supposed to be filled with love and hope was only artificially illuminated by electric light. There was no hope left in her heart. She had finally lost it all.

She couldn't take it anymore. She turned to leave, but he felt Rick's hand tightly taking hold of her wrist again. It made her stop and her heart started to beat faster. His touch always had that effect on her… always!

"Lisa!" He pleaded. "Please, listen to me!"

She took a deep, shaky breath and tried to be strong… to gather the little strength she had left. She couldn't give up now, it was time to say goodbye. Things couldn't be any other way for them, now she knew that. She gave herself a few seconds to feel Rick's hand around her wrist… it'd be the last time she could feel him… the feeling of his hand like this, keeping her from leaving, it was something she would never forget. It'd be their last touch. After a moment, Lisa closed her eyes and spoke with her most authoritative tone of voice, trying to show a strength and security she was far from really have.

"Let go of me, Captain Hunter!" Lisa could barely keep her voice from cracking and betraying her own words.

"Lisa, don't do this! You've got to listen to me, please!"

Rick's voice was filled with pain, she could tell, and it broke her heart… but she couldn't believe him anymore. No when Minmai was waiting for him at home that night… waiting to hold him, to comfort him… to spend the night with him. She cringed; it was much more than she could take. Those thoughts exceeded her own strength. He was asking for a chance to explain himself… to explain what? Things were very clear to her. He had Minmai in his house. All of his dreams were coming true… there was nothing else to say.

Suddenly his touch was hurting her… all she could think of was his hands, caressing Minmai as his lips kissed her… Rick Hunter was finally Minmai's, as he was always longed for… and just the mere thought of that made her skin ache as if burned by fire where Rick was touching her. Lisa couldn't help it; she pulled her hand free from his grasp, feeling her heart breaking into a hundred pieces. He tried to recover it, but she warned him:

"Don't touch me!"

"But Lisa…!"

"Don't you dare, Rick Hunter!" Her voice was dripping cold venom. "Just… leave me alone."

And with all the dignity she had left, she started to walk away, pretending to be the strong and self-assured Captain Hayes… someone she wasn't at all at that moment. For a moment she hoped Rick would go after her, but he didn't. She walked into the darkness of the empty streets, destroyed the attack of that day. Those streets were a faithful representation of the state of her own heart: cold, empty, dark and completely devastated.

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She walked fast, taking an alternate route to the military neighborhood. It was starting to snow a little, which only added coldness to her already cold world. There was a single streetlight turned on at the corner of the street she was walking. With its dime light she could see the lonely figure that was walking behind her. Rick Hunter was also heading to his quarters, but he hadn't obviously seen her.

"How could this be possible?" Lisa thought. "I didn't take my usual route home… I came this way to avoid him… why did he do the same?"

She could tell he wasn't coming after her. He kept his hands in the pockets of his trenchcoat and his head was hanging down. He was walking slowly, completely lost in his thoughts. Lisa could see an empty and half burned newspaper stand in the street corner and there she went to hide.

Lisa stood up behind the newspaper stand as he was passing by, completely unaware of her presence. She looked at him from her hiding post and sighed deeply, her eyes full of pain and discontent. It hurt her to see him like that, it didn't matter how upset she was, how much she hated him at the moment… it just broke her heart to see him walking alone in the empty street, looking so lonely and almost defeated.

"By why, Rick? Why?" She thought as his figure was becoming just a dim shadow in the darkness of the night. "Minmai's waiting for you… go home, go with her… and be happy. You shouldn't be sad, not anymore… not now that… that you finally have her, as you always wanted."

Lisa felt a deep pain in her heart at the mere thought of Rick and Minmai together. She closed her eyes and tried to suppress a sob that escaped directly from her wounded soul. She searched for support, leaning against the newspaper stand and closed her eyes, feeling dizzy. The pain in her chest was unbearable and she wondered if it was really possible for a broken heart to cause actual physical pain.

When she opened her eyes, she couldn't help the tears that were running down her face… she didn't even seem to notice them. Her eyes were set on the newspapers that were set all over the stand… in each and everyone of those newspaper, Minmai's face graced the front page… she was missing, and it was the breaking news of the day.

"Missing…" Lisa thought bitterly. "I wish she was missing… why do I seem to be the only person, apart from Rick, who actually knows where Miss Macross is? I wish I didn't know… sometimes ignorance is bliss."

Captain Hayes looked around and found herself surrounded by Minmai's photos. She was smiling all around her, almost as if making fun of her, laughing at her pain. Lisa shook her head and left her hiding place. She stood still in the street, under the dim light of the streetlamp, feeling the snowflakes falling, touching her with feathery touch. She put on the hood of her jacket and turned around, going to the opposite direction Rick had gone. It was how it was for them now: they were walking in opposite directions in that cold, dark night called life.

Lisa was walking aimlessly through the empty streets of New Macross. She didn't want to go home; she didn't want to be alone that night. She couldn't bear to be alone with her ghosts in her house.

With her eyes full of tears, she couldn't stop from thinking about what had happened the night before, from the moment she had arrived to Rick's house, secretly hoping it'd be a night when they could talk and finally open their hearts to each other… instead it was a night when she found out that Minmai was staying at Rick's house. She always knew that could happen; Rick never denied his feelings for Minmai, he had always been honest about them and Lisa knew it. But even if she knew that sooner or later Minmai could go back to Rick, she always hoped it'd be later. Why now?

"Rick…" She was thinking. "Why did things have to be this way between us? Is it really that bad being me? Is this about you? I don't know… wish that I knew… but I just don't know… all I could think of is about those days we spent together before… those two wonderful years we lived and—and I wonder… did we messed up? Maybe I was running while you were walking, I don't know… all I know is that I've been hiding for so long… hiding from you, hiding from me… hiding from the world… and right now I feel I have no place left to hide… Rick Hunter, what am I supposed to do now? Just… walk away from you? Pretend none of this did ever happen and continue working as I've always done? Rick… what's the way to love you?"

Lisa looked up at the dark, starless sky and sniffed. She brushed the tears off her eyes with her sleeve, but almost immediately, her eyes were blurry again. She stuffed her hands in the pockets of her jacket and lowered her head, continuing with his endless, aimless stroll under the snow.

The previous night she had felt a pain she had never experienced in her life before… not even when Riber died… not even when her father was killed before her eyes. Standing outside Rick's quarters, listening to him accepting Minmai into his house, to shelter her for as long as she needed it, it had broken her heart and killed her spirit. It had been the last stab she could take. The pain had been unbearable. She didn't know what she was doing when she ran away from Rick's house. She had vague recollections of her, running across the street, risking herself to be run over by a car. It didn't matter, her life didn't matter anymore. She wished she could go away and never come back.

And she had ended up in a bar… how? She didn't even know! All she could remember was her, entering into that place, remembering Claudia's words, the ones she had told her on that rainy night, about wine being a very necessary crutch to her when Roy died. Well, for her, Rick Hunter had died that night… all she wanted to do was to get lost, to forget, to escape reality and didn't think about anything anymore.

She had never done anything like that before and she knew it was wrong the moment she took her first sip of wine… but what did it matter anymore? She drank until she felt a hand softly touching her shoulder. It was Claudia, her guardian angel. She didn't know what Claudia was doing there, but it was a fact, every time she felt she was drowning, her friend appeared out of nowhere to throw a life salver to her. Claudia had taken her out of that bar and led her home. There she had prepared a warm bath for her and a strong coffee. They hadn't talked at all, and Lisa appreciated Claudia's endless understanding, because she didn't want to talk… she just couldn't talk.

She had gone to sleep and that was all she could remember… she didn't know when Claudia left, but she knew she had stayed with her until she fell asleep. The next morning, when her alarm clock went off, she didn't really know what had happened the night before, until a terrible headache made her remember.

"I can't do that anymore." Lisa thought, as she was walking. "I can't abandon myself like that… I can't harm myself physically because of a broken heart… I wish I could forget but definitely that's not the way."

Without even noticing it, Lisa was back on the pier where she and Rick had that argument before. She stopped on her tracks and took a deep breath. She leaned against the railing and her eyes were set on the SDF1, which was shinning magnificently with the thousand of multicolored lights that adorned it that night.

"I wish you could understand why I didn't want you to be notified about today's attack, Rick… I didn't do it to upset you… I did it… because believe it or not, I do care about you. I didn't want you to be harmed… and—and I knew you were enjoying your day, I didn't want you to think I was trying to sabotage your time with Minmai, like I did that time, after the Star Saver Operation… I was trying to make it up to you for that… but it seems you are mad at me anyway. It doesn't matter what I do or what I say, at the end all I get is your cold shoulder and your rage… it's always been like that, Rick… I just—I just don't know how to act anymore, because everything I do for you blows up in my face, no matter how hard I try!"

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Without even noticing, Lisa continued her way, and almost automatically, her steps led her back to the SDF1 and very soon she found herself crossing the guard post of the Prometheus. The two young men, who were on guard that night, gave her a formal military salute, but she didn't even notice them. She passed by, unaware of where she was or where she was going. She didn't notice the glares she got from the two guards, who stayed behind commenting how devoted Captain Hayes was to her duty, even on Christmas Night… and how hot they thought she was.

"Isn't she dating Captain Hunter?" One of them asked.

His companion just shrugged and grabbed a cup of hot coffee.

"Don't know… rumors about those two have been coming and going for as long as I've been enlisted… everyone knows that they always fight and have arguments, like an old couple… I've heard they can't stand each other… but I've also heard that they practically live together… I guess it's only matter of time."

"Guess so." The younger guard rubbed his hands together, trying to warm them up. "It's freezing out here! I wonder why she is back to the Prometheus at this time of the night, when she could be home."

"Captain Hayes is well known for her sense of duty. She was probably called back by the high command or something. After today's attack, I guess they want to be prepared for whatever that might come."

"Oh well, if they decided to call her back, they should've sent us to pick her up, don't you think?" The young man winked. "I wouldn't have minded to go to her house and drive her back."

"Oh, give me a break!" The older guard got inside the guarding post. "Do you want some coffee?"

"Sure…"

Unaware of all of that, Lisa was walking slowly through the runways making her way into the Prometheus and there, through the lone corridors, she finally found herself standing in front of a huge closed gate. She lowered her head and sighed deeply, not knowing exactly why she was there. She didn't know at what moment her feet took control of her and led her there… _there_ of all places!

She pushed the gates open just the necessary amount of space for her to get in and then she closed them behind her, the sound echoing in the huge, empty space. And there, in the middle of the lonely hangar, the unmistakable silhouette of Skull One seemed a white ghost in the darkness of the night.

Lisa made her way around the most famous and well known Veritech of the RDF. Skull One, the plane Roy Fokker had flown to his dying day, the VT which was now Rick Hunter's… a plane that had become a legend in its own time. Lisa touched its cold exterior as she was passing by, but her eyes were set on the desk at the back of the hangar. She went there and sat down heavily, her body almost collapsing on the chair at the time she let out a tired and ragged sigh and closed her eyes, leaning back, letting herself rest for a moment.

"I can't go back to my house… what if he goes there?" She opened her eyes and a sad smile appeared in her face. "As if he would go to find me… he's got Minmai in his home, for God's sake! Lisa, you're just stupid if you think that he'd really spear a thought on you now."

She looked around the desk. It was Rick's desk and everything was dear and familiar to her. She had spent many hours working with him on that desk whenever he asked for her help when he had a particularly difficult report to write or a flight schedule to plan. Lisa touched the desk almost reverently and sighed deeply.

"What can I do to forget him? To forget all the fond memories I have of him… of us? Wine sure didn't work; it didn't resolve anything and just let me feeling empty and nauseous… I just wish I had a button I could push and magically forget everything… it'd be nice if the heart came with a switch… things would be a lot less painful that way."

Lisa leaned over the desk, resting her arms on it and then using them to cushion her forehead. She closed her eyes and as much as she tried to avoid those thoughts, the memories she had been trying to block all night proved to be stronger than her own will, and involuntarily, she started to remember…

_Christmas, the year before…_

She couldn't avoid the sob that escaped her lips when she remembered how exciting it had been to spend time downtown, searching for gifts for Rick, wondering what he'd get for her… not that gifts mattered to her, but just the thought of him giving her something, anything, made her heart flutter. She remembered the time she spent wrapping Rick's gifts; the love she put in preparing the traditional Christmas dinner of the Hayes family… she remembered going to his house that snowy night, and the comments the cab driver made, about how happy she looked that night. And he was right, she was happy as never before.

Rick hadn't let her down. He had really put a lot of work and thought into the Christmas decorations of his house. She had to smile when she remembered his Christmas tree. It had been hard to find Christmas trees that year, so he went ahead and got a dry branch from a dead tree, painted it in white and put the Christmas lights and ornaments on it. It was very original and Lisa thought it looked amazing. Rick had been wearing a blue sweater she had picked up for him that one time when he asked her to accompany him to buy some new clothes. He looked so handsome! That sweater really brought out his eyes.

Lisa let out a shaky, almost painful sigh. Those memories hurt, but she couldn't stop herself from remembering…

She remembered their conversation during dinner… and afterwards, when they had exchanged gifts. Rick had been very thoughtful and the gifts she got from him were meaningful and very dear to her. He also loved the ones she had gotten for him, particularly that model of the prototype of the new VT-YF4 fighter. She always knew Rick loved model planes. The atmosphere was quiet, relaxed and full of love and understanding that night… they had been talking, joking, playing games in his living room, just illuminated by the dim lights of the Christmas tree.

And then something had happened between them… something that took their relationship a step forward in a very deep and unexpected way. Rick had handed her a "last Christmas gift", one he didn't know she'd like or not and he was nervous about it. It was a small box and when she opened it curiously, she was surprised to find what was inside: the key of Rick's house. With that key he was giving her full access to his life… and she hoped also to his heart. She reciprocated and gave him a copy of her own key. That exchange of keys had been one of the most meaningful things Lisa had experienced in her life. It had been like a jump of faith into the unknown… it had been a proof of trust. Rick trusted her and it meant the world to her… and she trusted him with her life.

Lisa sobbed again when she remembered that months after, she had returned that key… no way, she didn't even had the courage to return it to him. She had left it in his mailbox that day, the previous Autumn, when she found the wall of his room decorated with Minmai's poster and not only that, but also his photo album on his nightstand, full of photos of Miss Macross from the first to the last page. It was much more that she could handle… after months of being with him, supporting him, helping him, listening to him, being his best friend, confident and accomplice, she would've expected something different from him. She had been taking care of him in a way that… that she, Captain Lisa Hayes, the daughter of Admiral Hayes, the first in her class, the First Officer of the SDF1, she had spent all her free time doing what? -- _Cleaning the house of a pilot!_

Lisa hated herself for that… for how long did she plan to go on like that? If Minmai hadn't suddenly stepped back into Rick's life… would've she been contented to accept the kind of relationship Rick and she had to that point?

Lisa lifted her face and sniffed, at the time she brushed her tears away with the heel of her hand. But despite if all, she couldn't regret what she had done for him over the years. Because every little thing she had done for him, she had done it out of love. Because she always knew he could go far, he only needed a chance, a chance she was willing to give him time and again. He had proven himself in battle; he had grown to be one of the best pilots in the defense forces, and an extraordinary leader. No, she didn't regret anything she had done for him, because he deserved it and because in the professional field he had never let her down.

Now, their personal lives were a whole different matter. But if now it was time to say goodbye, she at least could walk away taking with her a bundle of beautiful memories… and those would last for her lifetime.

_To go away._

That idea seemed more and more appealing as time was going by. Life is a circle and she knew every living being has a cycle to complete… what if she had already completed hers? Maybe it was time to move on, to start something new. It'd be nice to go away, to a new place, to be around new people, trying new things… anything that could help her forget.

Minmai was in Rick's life now, there was no doubt about it. And Lisa knew all her chances had gone away the moment Miss Macross had stepped into Rick's house. He had been dreaming of her for as long as she had known him; he had never given up on Minmai and apparently fate had decided it was time to reward Rick's loyalty.

"I don't know." Lisa thought bitterly. "It seems fate decided that Rick's loyalty to Minmai was stronger and more worthwhile to reward that the loyalty I had to him… I'm not surprised though. In my life things have always been like that… I don't know what I did wrong or in what moment of my existence I committed a sin which was so awful, that life decided I'd have to pay for it for the rest of my life… all I know is that for as long as I can remember, there have always been nothing but storm clouds above me. When I met Rick I thought I'd finally see a glimpse of the blue sky behind those clouds… but it lasted only for a moment, because it's obvious that this blue sky I could see in Rick's eyes, does not belong to me."

Lisa stood up and started to walk away. She felt weak, completely wore out, exhausted. She felt all her strength had been drained from her body and she had trouble even walking. She had to stop and find support on Skull one. She rested her hand against the cold metal and a single silent tear escaped her eye.

"I'm not as brave and strong as everyone thinks I am! I just can't stand this… I can live with his eternal doubts and indecisions… I can live with his indifference and even with his anger… but I just can't see him go home day after day, knowing she's there, waiting for him. That's just too much for me… I just… I can't… I can't bear this pain I feel just to think that right now he's with her… that right now they must be…"

Lisa couldn't hold it anymore. Her silent tears soon became a violent sob that escaped her throat and shook her entire body… Lisa started sobbing, unable to contain herself. Her body was trembling and if it hadn't been for the support Skull One was providing to her, she would've collapsed to the ground. She leaned forward, resting her forehead against the metal of Rick's best mate and a cry came out of her very soul. She closed her eyes and for the first time in her life, she allowed herself to cry out loud.

She cried for all she had lost in her life, for all the loved ones who had died on her… for her devastated planet, for the chances she never had, for all the opportunities she missed… but most of all, she cried for him… she cried for them… for what could have been and never was… for what could have been and would never been.

"Rick…!" She kept repeating between sobs. "Why… just tell me why? What did I do wrong with you? Where did I fail you? Why you couldn't love me? Just… I wish I knew… _why?"_

Her life had been a story of pain, misery, resignation and strength… she had never rebel against her destiny, no matter how cruel or painful it was, she had always accepted it stoically, with all the nobility and dignity of her character, which was forged in fire through her life. She had always been a good woman, someone devoted to her duty and to her ideals, someone who had never done anything wrong, she had made no harm to anyone, she had always lived following the rules and her life had never been stained with an ignoble action. Everything about her was pure and clean… yet destiny seemed to be against her… and that night, for the first time in her life, she was confronting destiny, asking for an explanation… for the only time in her life, she was begging for a chance… an opportunity she knew she'd never had.

Her cry subsided slowly, painfully, until her body was just shaking softly to the tremors of her last sobs. She rubbed her tear-stained face against Skull one, as if tying to find some support, some sympathy, some comfort from it.

"I can't stay here anymore… I just can't… I need to go, I must go away, never look back… never go back… I know the RDF is Rick's life, I can't take that away from him, he's a pilot and he can only be happy if he's flying you, right?"

She looked up at Skull one imposing figure.

"All I want is his happiness… I want him to be happy with you… to be happy with her. I don't want to get in the middle… I don't want to see him day after day, being a nuisance to him… I want him to live the life he always wanted, having her by his side, as he always dreamt of… and for his happiness, for the happiness of the man I love, I'm willing to sacrifice everything I have in my life… for Rick… for him I'd be willing to sacrifice life itself."

She stood straight and brushed the tears off her eyes. For a moment she was silent, motionless, completely lost in her thoughts. It seemed as if she was making a decision… probably the most important decision of her life. Captain Hayes was going to resign her commission, to walk away from what had been her entire world all her life, she was going to go away, leaving her friends behind, her entire life… for him.

Lisa had a big heart made of gold, but most of all, she had a good soul… a big soul, strong enough to make the decision to sacrifice herself for the man she loved, knowing that in doing so, she let the way open for Minmai, her rival, to spend her life with Rick… making him happy.

"If that's what has to be done…" Lisa spoke softly. "I never thought things would end this way… I'm just tired of this suffering… I want to end once and for all the battles I've fought in my life, since I was a little girl and my mother died… maybe this is for the best. Go away, start a new life… maybe… maybe there things will be easier and life will be… a little less painful. I just need to take the final step… to say my goodbyes and walk away forever… there's little left to suffer… this is almost over now."

Lisa turned to leave but she stopped and suddenly looked over her shoulder to contemplate the beautiful Skull One. She walked back to it and put her hand on it, caressing it softly, almost as if it was Rick Hunter himself.

"You are his closest friend." She found herself talking to the white Veritech. "You know him better than anyone… you've been with him in battle… you've heard his most inner thoughts don't you, Skull One?"

She was silent for a moment and tears gathered in her eyes again. Her voice almost cracked when she continued her dialogue with the plane.

"Does… does he ever think of me when he's flying you?"

Without even realizing what she was doing, she climbed to the cockpit of Skull One and one she was there, she curled up inside. The place smelled like Rick… his essence was all over the place. Lisa closed her eyes, trying to breath in the scent of him, because the cockpit of that plane was impregnated with Rick's aroma. It was almost like being in his arms… almost!

"I once had a dream, you know…?" Lisa whispered, her eyes closed. "I dreamt Rick and I shared our lives together… as a couple. I had hopes for us… I thought maybe some day he'd come to love me, but I guess I was naïve to believe I could compete with Minmai, right? But I gave myself the opportunity to believe… to dream… and in my dreams he always came to me with that smile on his lips, that beautiful smile that's enough to illuminate my world… whenever he smiles I feel weak in the knee… I just don't know what's with his smile or with his eyes… those beautiful, deep blue eyes. I'd never seen that shade of blue before… I love the way they shine when he smiles or when he's happy… the way they literally spark when he gets excited… or the way fire burns in them when he's angry… I don't know why, but when I look at him, even through the Tacnet screen, I can usually tell what mood he is in, just by looking him in the eye…"

A small, dreamy smile appeared in her lips and she curled up even more, embracing herself against the coldness of the night.

"Rick Hunter… you are so handsome! And I like you so much… I still can remember the time when you rescued me from the Alaska Base… do you remember, Skull One? Remember how he took me here and how we had to squeeze into this small place? The feeling of Rick holding me like that as we were escaping… knowing that it was our only chance… that our lives could be reaching their final moments… I don't know why, but I wasn't afraid of what could come… I was with him and I remember that I thought that it didn't matter if I lived or died there… because I was with him. But we were given a second chance; you took us out of there and to a safe place, Skull One. We owe you our lives."

After that rescue, with Earth devastated and the human race in the verge of total destruction, it was in their hands the titanic mission of the reconstruction. Never in the history of human kind, had such responsibility been bestowed upon the shoulders of such a small group of people. But they managed to pull it out and they had succeeded. Earth was once again a place where humans could live, thanks to the commitment and devotion of those, who made the reconstruction of Earth their mission in life.

And it was odd how in the middle of all that pain and destruction, Rick and she had gotten closer. For Lisa those were the two happiest years of her life… she wished she could've stopped time then, when she and Rick were such good and close friends and the shadow of Minmai seemed to be so far away from them.

"I wonder… when did we lose all of that?" She whispered again. "In which moment we came to this? I wish I knew the exact second in time when that perfect world started to collapse… I wish I could go back in time and make things better in any way I could… I'd do it, I'd do anything for him… but it's too late now. There's nothing else I could've done… I can't go back to the past and there's only future ahead of me… a future without him… I once had a dream, Skull One… I dared to dream that… that some day Rick would love me."

Lisa was slowly falling into a deep sleep. She was exhausted. The night was cold and the feeling of emptiness and complete solitude she had in her heart that night was almost painful.

"You are going to take care of him for me, won't you?" She whispered in the verge of her sleep. "When I'm gone… when I'm not here anymore and he's alone… please look after him! Take good care of him and… if you find the moment just… tell him that… I love him and that… there won't be a day I won't think of him… tell him I will love him… until the end of time."

Tears escaped the corner of her eyes but she didn't move anymore. In her mind, almost in a subconscious way, she hoped and prayed for Rick to at least remember her every now and then when she was gone… if he could at least do that for her, just spare a few moments and dedicate a second to her memory… that'd be enough.

Lisa's heavy breathing slowly became soft and calm. Her troubled face relaxed as she felt asleep and a small, sad smile appeared in her lips. Even in her dreams, she couldn't erase his face from her heart.

And she dreamt that night… she dreamt that Rick Hunter came to her, that he descended to Hell to rescue her from the flames and the pain of eternal damnation… he was her liberator and in her dreams, he took her with him, away from that place, away from all the pain and suffering… and after rescue her from Hell, he made her feel Heaven…

And in her dreams, he could hear his voice, strong and desperately calling out her name. He didn't say anything else, just one word…_ her name._ It was all she needed to hear.

_"I'm here…"_ She muttered in her sleep. "_I'm yours…"_

At that moment, activated by one of the Robotech reflex mechanisms, the cabin of the Veritech closed itself, to keep the warmth of its interior and save energy. But it happened in such a moment, that it almost seemed as if Skull One was cuddling Lisa, protecting her from the coldness and darkness of the night… as if the faithful VT was telling her not to worry… things would fall into place at the end.

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A new day had begun. There had been snowing the night before and morning was cold and crispy, anticipating another grey winter day. Lisa had slept all night in the cockpit of Skull One. It had been a peaceful slumber, but now that the early morning light was softly touching her face, her sleep had become restless and uneasy.

"Rick…" She whispered again and again, as tears were running down her face again. "Rick… I love you… can't stop loving you, that doesn't depend on me… Rick… why can't you love me… why? Rick!"

She opened her eyes as she straightened up and looked around confused. She was breathing harshly and even if the morning was cold, her hair was damped against her forehead. She touched her face with her hand, still trying to understand where she was and what she was doing there.

"Skull One…" she thought.

Then she looked at her hand, which was wet with her tears. She remembered… all the memories of the night before came back to her like a flood. She leaned back and allowed herself a moment of peace, to try to order her thoughts. She was still confused.

"He spent the night with her…" She thought painfully. "Rick… I take you finally have what you'd always wanted… I just wish that just once… just once you had been mine… only mine…" She closed her eyes and sighed deeply. "It's too late… now I must do what has to be done."

Lisa opened the cabin and stood up. She looked at her watch and realized her turn started in a few minutes. She had no time to lose, she must report to her station at once. After all it'd be her last day…

Slowly she descended Skull One and once she was on the ground, she gave it a last, loving caress and a small and sad smile.

"Take care of him." She whispered. "Good hunting and Godspeed!"

Lisa kissed her fingertips and laid them on Skull One. Then she walked away and left the hangar in the same way she had gotten in there the night before: alone and heartbroken.

She went to her private office to change her uniform and refresh her face in the bathroom. After the attack of the day before, very little personnel were working that day, which made the place look empty and melancholic. Lisa went to her station, pretending to be the strong and self-sufficient captain Hayes, but very soon she found out all her strength seemed to had abandoned her that day.

When the Trio came in, chatting happily about the things they had done the previous night, and the fun they had, Lisa escaped, not wanting to be questioned about anything. She knew the first thing they'd want to know would be how things had gone with Captain Hunter the night before. She wasn't in the mood for that kind of conversation.

She went to get a cup of coffee, but instead she found herself going to one of the open decks overseeing Lake Gloval, with the beautiful scenery of New Macross as a winter background. She went to lean against the railing .

"Father…" She thought. "I know you always told me that a soldier's life doesn't belong to themselves, but to the service and the causes they are fighting for… but I'm done, I just can't go any further and I hope you can understand me… and forgive me. I've done I've required to… I've done my best day after day… I think I've lived up to the name of the Hayes family until now… it's time for me to go away and try to find myself… I want to meet this woman who lives inside of Captain Hayes… I want to know who Lisa really is… please forgive me. I love you, father… you know I do!"

The cold early morning winter wind brushed the tears off her face, as her thoughts drifted to Rick. She knew she would probably never see him again and she was trying to decide whether she should say her goodbyes to him or just walk out on him. One thing was for sure, she would never stop thinking about him… and she would never stop loving him.

"There was a time when we lived a wonderful life… a time when everything was sweet and good for us but now I remember that time and it is all about faded memories and echoes in the wind… Rick, I guess today I can come out and say it, everything is over for us and… I must face it. I have to move on and realize that no matter how deep my pain is, there's always a new day… the world isn't going to stop just because my heart is broken. Life goes on… your life goes on and mine must, too. I had hopes, I had dreams, but I was never brave enough to face you and let you know how I feel about you… I guess I earned my punishment, don't I? Those dreams seemed very real at night… but when dreams meet the morning light, they just… vanish. Such are dreams… but I know there was something between us, whether we'd admit it or not… there always was something between us… and all the happiness we lived together, the good moments we shared, the magic I always felt when you were with me, that's something that's mine… something I will treasure for the rest of my life… I won't be alone anymore, even if I'm afar, your loving memory will always be with me… always!"

Lisa lowered her face and brushed the tears off her eyes. She had to gather enough strength to go and talk to Admiral Gloval. What would she say? She didn't know… but she knew he'd understand. It was going to be hard for her to say goodbye to him… and to Claudia, her big sister. What would she say when she told her about her decision? She knew she'd try to talk her out of it, but at the end she'd understand and Lisa knew no matter what, she could always count on Claudia. She wouldn't let her alone.

And Rick? What would she possibly say to him? How could she start saying her goodbyes without breaking down in front of him? Would she be able to keep herself strong and collected while confronting him, face to face? Would Minmai be there to witness her defeat and savor her victory? Would Rick care at all?

"It's just a goodbye." Lisa thought. "Destiny decided there was a road in life we should walk together and we did… but we've come to the end of that road and I guess it's time for us to go our separated ways… but Rick, this feelings I have for you, this love I have in my heart, it is all yours… it'll be yours and only yours forever… what I feel about you won't change just because I run away… this love will belong to you for always… I guess at this point of our lives it doesn't even really matter why we let things go this way… you're happy now, that's all that matters to me… I'll always love you, Rick Hunter… even if this is my goodbye, even if I know I've lost you, please never forget that I love you… always have… and always will. This is just goodbye."

Three Veritech passed by, soaring high in the sky, bringing Lisa out of her musings. She looked them go, until they disappeared in the horizon. At that moment she knew that no matter how things would end for her, she was blessed by having Rick Hunter in her life. She would always remember him and forever treasure his memory as the most sacred and beloved feeling in her heart and in her life. And every time she'd see or hear an airplane soaring high above the sky, she'd think fondly of him and her heart would fly back to him and to those days where, in the middle of total annihilation of earth, they found strength in one another and walked their road together. She would never forget him and she would never stop loving him. In that cold winter morning, that much she knew.

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**Note:** _Many of the events of this fic are based on a story I wrote called "Lamentación de Otoño". Unfortunatelly it is not available in English at the time. I hope some day I can find the time to translate it._

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Evi

.: GTO-MX :.

2006

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End file.
